


Loss

by ApostateRevolutionary



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Origins - Awakening
Genre: Angst, Gen, Loss, Loss of a pet, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-29
Updated: 2015-04-29
Packaged: 2018-03-26 09:35:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3845980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ApostateRevolutionary/pseuds/ApostateRevolutionary
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anders is ordered by the new Warden-Commander to give up the one thing he has left that matters to him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Loss

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt from anon: "So I don't know if you're taking prompts but that meta you did about Anders and love made me really want to send this one to you, I am so sorry: Anders being made give away Pounce by the wardens."

Anders walked down the stone hallways of Vigil’s Keep. He’d been called in for a meeting with the Warden-Commander, the new one that had come after the Hero of Ferelden had left to go do heroic things, presumably. Since day one Anders hadn’t liked him; he was nothing like the one who’d recruited him, who’d defended him when they’d gone looking for his phylactery, the one who’d given him safe refuge when he’d brought her nothing but trouble.

This one was less… forgiving. Very by-the-book. Two days after arriving, he’d reassigned the Wardens remaining at Vigil’s Keep that the Hero of Ferelden hadn’t taken with her, save himself and Justice. They’d been kept, presumably because he didn’t trust them. And when that Rolan had arrived, the Templar, Anders had known some sort of deal had been made. One step out of line, and the mage was sure he’d be placed in Kinloch Hold’s cells again to await his execution. Justice would probably simply be killed on the spot, treated like a demon instead of what he was. Anders’ nose wrinkled in disgust at the mere thought of what would be done to them if the Templars got their way.

The blonde pushed passed the large doors, curious as to why he’d been summoned. Perhaps he was being transferred as well. The idea was not unwelcome; besides Pounce and Justice, he had no friends left here. And Pounce would come with him wherever he was sent.

“Commander.” Anders said, standing in front of the throne.

“Anders.” he nodded, the wrinkles on his forehead deepening. “I have orders for you.”

Just as he’d thought. “Ah, so I’m finally being transferred, then? Where to? Hopefully somewhere warmer than Ferelden.”

“No, you’re not being transferred. You’ll be staying here for a long time yet. This is another matter.” The Commander said, no hint of emotion on his face.

This wasn’t sounding good. “What is it, then?”

The grizzled man on the throne swallowed. “That pet you keep, the cat.”

“Pounce?” Anders offered, suddenly feeling nervous. What could he possibly want with Pounce?

“Yes, ‘Pounce’.” There was irritation in his voice. “It’s made you too soft. Being a Warden means being prepared to make sacrifices. That being said, I am ordering you to get rid of the cat.”

Anders’ heart dropped in fear, and he could feel the hot anger rising inside him.

“What?” His voice was lower, more ragged than he’d planned.

“Like I said, that cat has made you soft, weak. Grey Wardens are meant to be great warriors, fearless in the face of the evil all men fear and sacrificing all to defeat that evil. Keeping a pet goes against that. You must prove to me you’re committed to what being a Warden means.”

“I am committed to this! I could’ve run off at any time, but I’m still here, aren’t I? I drank the blasted blood, didn’t I? I’ve given enough.” Anders cried, internally cursing the panic showing in his words.

“No you have not, and this is not up for negotiation. You will get rid of your cat, and that’s an order.” The Commander’s voice was as hard as iron.

The mage wanted to scream, to strike him, to summon fire and watch this man burn. He couldn’t ask this of him, he _couldn’t_. This was not going to happen.

“What am I supposed to do, just dump him in a field somewhere to die?” Anders asked through gritted teeth.

“I don’t rightly care if you kill him yourself.” The Commander said, and Anders had to bite his tongue. “You have three days to figure it out. Dismissed.”

“You–”

“I said, _dismissed_.”

Anders waited for a moment longer, fighting the urge to let loose his anger, but instead turned and left without another word, heading straight for his quarters and ignoring anyone who was between him and privacy.

As the mage closed the door behind him, locking it, he felt tears sting his eyes. He looked around, frantically, finding and picking up a decorative vase for the sole purpose of throwing it against the wall. The sound it made as it shattered wasn’t nearly as satisfying as he’d hoped it’d be. Breathing heavy, Anders collapsed against the door, sliding slowly down until he was sitting. He buried his face in his knees, trying to ignore the tears that would not stop falling and the sobs clawing at his throat, begging to be released.

A small trill caught his attention.

Anders looked up to see Pounce walking towards him, butting his head against the blonde’s leg once he got close enough. He reached out an arm to run along the cat’s furry body, despite the tears coming with renewed fervour. Pounce arched his back, looking up at the mage with curiosity and mild concern, making a chirping noise and then rubbing against him more insistently.

 _I can’t do this…_ The thought came unbidden into Anders’ mind, though he’d known it the moment the Commander had even suggested this. Pounce was the one thing that kept him grounded. When he was in the Deep Roads, the small, warm body nestled in his robes kept him steady, stopped the fear from developing into full on panic. When he woke in the night, soaked in sweat from the nightmares, Warden-related or whispers from the past, running a hand through orange fur calmed him enough to actually fall back asleep for the first time in his life. Knowing that this creature loved him, needed him, and would never leave him so long as he was cared for meant more to Anders than he could ever admit, even to himself.

Pounce let out a small noise as the mage pulled him into his arms, hugging him tighter than the cat probably enjoyed, sobbing into his fur. The tabby, apparently sensing his human’s distress, allowed it to happen, and Anders could feel his purrs vibrating against his face, the little affectionate sound only making the mage cry harder. He couldn’t do it. He’d have to find a way around this. Losing the one being in this world that actually cared if he was still around would be too much to bear. Without Pounce, he had nothing.

* * *

The three days passed in a haze, far too quickly for Anders’ liking. He’d spent all of it cooped up in his room, barely remembering to eat and sleep, crying more than he’d ever be willing to admit. He didn’t want to lose a single moment with Pounce. Every single one of them was precious. He also wanted to avoid showing just how much it hurt to the other Wardens. Revealing vulnerabilities was never a good plan, he’d learned that from his time in the Circle. The tabby was currently curled in a near-perfect circle on Anders’ chest, slumbering peacefully while the mage stroked his fur.

 _I could stay like this forever._ He thought, smiling softly. There must be some way to reason with the Commander. If there wasn’t, Anders would just leave. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d run, after all. He was pretty good at it by now. Maybe he could find Nathaniel again, wherever he was stationed now. There had always been something between the two Wardens; something that deserved to be explored over more than just one, desperate night before the archer had been transferred. Maybe then Anders could have the life he’d always wanted: freedom from the Circle, a lover, and a cat. That would be enough.

A knock on the door caused Anders to jump, fear pooling in his belly. Pounce gave him a look of annoyance, before climbing off the mage’s chest and curling up beside him to resume sleeping. Anders cleared his throat, ignoring the tickling of dread along his spine.

“Yes?”

“The Commander wishes to see you. Now.” A muffled voice that definitely belonged to Rolan answered from beyond the door.

That was not a good sign. The mage swallowed before reluctantly rising from his bed and, stopping to pet Pounce, heading out the door and towards the throne room.

“You disobeyed my orders.” The Commander said when Anders walked in, not even giving the mage a chance to speak.

The blonde thought for a moment. “Yes, I did. I’m not getting rid of Pounce.”

“You will. Because you don’t have a choice.” And as the Commander finished, as if on cue, Rolan walked out from behind Anders to stand at the Commander’s left.

The pool of fear in Anders’ stomach started to solidify, and he felt the blood draining from his face. He knew where this was going. _No…_

“Rolan has already contacted the Templars. If you are not going to prove that you are worthy of being a Warden, you will be taken into their custody to answer for the crimes you committed before joining.” The Commander’s voice remained level despite the very clear threat.

Anders felt like the floor had fallen out from under him. Rage, fear, and disbelief warred inside him. He clenched his fists, fingernails biting into his palms.

“And don’t even think about running. We’ll be keeping an eye on you from a distance. Get your cat and go now, or you’ll be leaving with a Templar patrol tomorrow.”

The mage took a deep breath, attempting to stop himself from shaking. “You can’t do this. The Hero of Ferelden–”

“–is not here.” The Commander interrupted. “And do not bring her into this. I am the Warden-Commander now, and you will obey me. Go now, or accept your fate.”

Anders hesitated for a moment longer before turning on his heel and walking out, nearly sprinting to his room. When he got there, he snatched up his bag and grabbed Pounce with gentleness he wouldn’t have thought he was currently capable of, and then immediately headed out for Amaranthine.

* * *

Anders trudged along the road, his anger burning away the hurt for the moment. Pounce was nestled in his robes, against his chest, sleeping peacefully for the moment. The mage had carried the tabby around like this since he’d been a kitten; the cat was rather used to it by now, and, fortunately, still fit as he wasn’t yet fully grown. Anders knew he was being followed. It was a feeling he was long accustomed to, the feeling of being hunted, of someone watching his every move. It wasn’t something one failed to notice once they’d learned to recognize it, and Anders had come to know it years ago.

The high walls of the city came into view as the healer crested a hill and he froze, his legs refusing to move forward. Was he really going to go through with this? Give up the one thing that kept him steady because some authority figure told him to? When had he become so spineless?

Pounce poked his face out of the mage’s robes and Anders scratched his head, smiling sadly. He didn’t have a choice. If he bolted now, he’d be followed, and they would be guaranteed to catch him since they were watching him even now. They’d put him back in a cell, in the small, dark – no, can’t think about that. It was either this, or the one thing he feared more than anything else. Anders felt like he was twelve years old again, helpless as the Templars had put him in chains and dragged him away. He felt like when Karl had been taken, when the only good thing about the Circle had been so cruelly snatched from him. And now he was losing Pounce, too. He felt powerless.

Steeling himself, the blonde starting moving again, each step taking all of his resolve. He kept one of his hands on Pounce, feeling the cat’s purr reverberate through his chest, the happy sound tugging at his heart. This was for the best, he had to believe that. If he didn’t do it, he’d be killed, at best. At worst… best not to think of it. And then Maker only knows what would happen to the tabby. This was the only way for both of them to be safe.

Anders arrived at the door inside the city he’d set out for, hesitating with his fist hovering just in front of it. _Just knock. That’s all you have to do. Just knock._ If only it were that easy… Closing his eyes tightly, as if he could hide his own actions from himself, the mage knocked, only opening his eyes when the door swung open to reveal the only person he could trust with this request.

A rather pregnant Delilah Howe stood in the doorway, the confusion evident on her face quickly fading to a smile.

“Anders? What are you doing here?” She asked, cheerfully, and the Warden in question felt his heart tug again.

“Delilah, I… I need you to ask a favour of you.” The mage’s voice was heavier than he’d wanted.

“Of course, whatever you need. Did you want to come in?” Delilah gestured to the inside of the house.

“No, I’m fine. I-I need you to take Pounce.” Anders said, not realizing that he was looking at the ground.

“Oh.” She paused. “I will, certainly, but may I ask why?”

Anders felt his eyes dampen, tears threatening to spill, but he looked up anyways, pasting on his best smile. “Well, you know how it is. I’m a Warden, and the Deep Roads are no place for a cat. He’s already been almost ripped in half by a genlock once. I’m sure he’d much rather spend his life chasing mice in the city. He’ll be much safer here than fighting Darkspawn.”

Delilah’s expression shifted to an apologetic one, but she was polite enough not to mention how wet Anders’ eyes were, how his voice shook as he spoke. “I understand. I’ll take great care of him, I promise.”

The mage’s chest tightened again, the pressure building nearly to the point of pain. “Thank you, Delilah. You don’t know how much this means to me.”

He gently coaxed Pounce out of his robes, stroking the cats head. Pounce looked around, curious, but his eyes were still half-closed from sleep. Anders pulled him all the way out, hugging him close and burying his face in orange fur, inhaling the cat’s scent and trying to commit it to memory.

“I’m so sorry, Pounce. Know that this is for both our sake’s. You’ll be safe here. I love you, more than you could ever know. One day, I’ll return for you, I promise.” He whispered into the cat’s fur, voice hopefully low enough so that Delilah couldn’t hear him.

He held Pounce against him for a moment longer, before gently handing the tabby to the woman in front of him. “Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it. And when you come back for him, he’s yours.” She said, and Anders nodded once before turning away.

It took of all of the mage’s willpower not to turn around and undo this when he heard a confused and very concerned ‘meow’ from behind him, followed by the sound of the door closing.

* * *

The walk out of the city was somehow even worse. The mage felt empty, hollow. The last living thing he cared about was now gone from him, just like everyone else. Everything he loved was always taken away, and he was always powerless to stop it. Tears spilled over, and Anders wiped at his eyes. He only realized the action was in vain when a sob escaped his lips.

The healer stopped, placing one hand against a tree near the road, covering his mouth with the other as he wept. He no longer cared if the Warden-Commander’s spies were still watching him. There was nothing left inside him that had the ability to care about anything.

At some point, Anders ended up sitting beneath the tree as he grieved. No matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t make it stop. Pounce was gone, just like everyone else he’d ever cared about. His parents, Karl, his friends at Vigil’s Keep, Nathaniel… all no longer a part of his life. And there was absolutely nothing he could do about it. That thought caused the sobs to come harder, wracking his body until eventually his near-empty stomach turned against him, and he was forced to empty what little it had contained at the base of the tree.

Some time later, the mage stopped crying but did not move. He was expended and numb, unable to care that the sun was close to setting, or that the Commander may send him to the Templars anyways for weeping like a child by the side of the road. It didn’t matter. There was nothing left for him here anymore.

Eventually, Anders coaxed himself back to standing, wobbling slightly from the cost of his grief. Slowly, he made his way to Vigil’s Keep, a fresh thought in his mind. He was tired of being helpless, tired of losing everything and everyone he cared about, tired of the Templars and the Chantry always hanging over him and every other mage in Thedas. The numbness turned to anger, and the healer let that drive him. This would never happen again, not to him, and not to anyone else.

Footsteps heavy, he kept going until he was back at Vigil’s Keep, Rolan looking at him with surprise as he entered. The former Templar nodded when Anders looked at him, eyes undoubtedly puffy and expression as hard as stone. There was no doubt in Anders’ mind Rolan would go tell the Commander it was done, so he continued walking, in search of the one person here he could still call a friend.

It wasn’t long before he found who he was looking for.

“Justice.”

“Anders. Do you wish something of me?” The spirit answered through rotting lips.

The mage licked his lips, trying to choose his words carefully. “I’ve thought about what you said, and I accept your offer.”

The face of the body Justice inhabited twisted, and Anders guessed he was aiming for surprise. “Are you certain of this, mortal? Do you truly wish to accept my aid?”

Anders paused. Did he really, or was this just the grief talking? Flashes came to him then, memories of all the times he’d been wronged just because he was a mage, all the times he’d been powerless to do anything about it, all the times he would’ve been able to fight back if it weren’t for the threat of Templars hanging over him. And he wasn’t the only one. How many others had faced the injustices he had, or worse? How many others had experienced the loss of everything that mattered to them, time and time again? How many would never get even the small taste of freedom he’d been allowed?

“I do.” He answered, his voice strong with his conviction. “I have nothing left to lose anymore.”

Justice let out a low, rumbling noise. “I heard what the Commander made you do.” His mouth turned up in a mockery of disgust. “I shall give you one more night to be sure. We are going on a patrol tomorrow. If you are still certain of this, then that is when it shall happen.”

The healer nodded, face set in determination. He was already certain, and the sleepless night that came before morning did not change that. Rolan was joining them, but it didn’t matter. He was one of _them_ , anyways. Anders was tired of feeling scared and helpless, of knowing that everyone like him constantly felt the same way. Helping to change that was a much worthier cause than remaining with the Wardens, and now that he’d lost Pounce, there was nothing left to bind him to this life, nothing stopping him from pursuing this course of action. And with Justice’s help, they’d make a world where no mage would have to feel like he did ever again.


End file.
